HUGS and the Broken Teddy Bear

On my way home from the hospital after losing Ryleigh I toted on my side a purple bag with a small teddy bear on the front. The symbol of HUGS. The support group that saved my life. Inside of the bag were countless articles and books on living after a stillbirth. Do you really live after it? Can you actually find the courage to wake up and continue life when your entire meaning has been taken from you? I was supposed to be a Mom. I was supposed to bring her home not a purple bag.
I remember reaching in the bag and pulling out an information sheet for a support group called HUGS. I glanced at it and knew I had to attend a meeting. I thought maybe we would find answers to all of our questions, I thought maybe it would help us grieve. What I didn't know was it would help us live.
We arrived at the meeting on a cold Thursday night. It was just rooms down from where we had attended birthing class weeks early. The meeting hadn't started so Jason and I held ourselves up against a wall and watched as people walked by....were they going to? was she pregnant? did they know? crazy how you allow the world to judge you even in terrible times. Across from us in the hall was another couple. Their pain looked real, it looked new and it looked like without any words they would understand our pain. We entered into this small room with about 10 other people and sat quietly waiting for the nurse to come start the meeting. You could tell it wasn't the first time for some, yet it was definitely the first time for us and the couple in the hall. We both sat silient, and holding onto our husbands for dear life.
The meeting began with the expectation that everyone share what they could or wanted. We didn't go first. I couldn't collect my thoughts. I wanted to honor Ryleigh so badly that every detail flew through my brain. The silent couple next to us was up. She spoke her name was JoAnna. Now 4 years later I live for her converation, support and friendship. I remember going home and sharing a few emails with her and it grew from there. We trusted each other to cry when we needed to, be silent when we needed to and to help each other understand that men do not grieve the same way. Since this meeting we have moved three times and now live 100 plus miles from the hospital where Ryleigh was stillborn. We can't attend meetings, we don't attend walks or the garden but I do sit back and watch from a distance at the group. It grows monthly and everytime I see a new name my heart breaks. I only find joy in visualizing this playground in heaven where Ryleigh, Winton and Hannah play and open their arms every time someone new steps on the grass to be with them. Thank you JoAnna for being my friend. Thank you HUGS for showing me how strong women can be. Thank you God for allowing me to make it through and find joy in the two beautiful boys that followed.