What Color Are Her Eyes?

How do I talk about Motherhood without crying and smiling all in the same breath. 4 years ago on Christmas Eve my beautiful daughter Ryleigh Jordan moved from our life here on earth to a place of peace and I so hope joy in heaven. As with every Mom I was anxious every day during her pregnancy. During my first ultrasound I remember the world standing still as I was able to watch this beautiful being inside of me move - what I didn't know was that she would never move in my arms. I remember driving to every doctor appointment for nine months anxiously awaiting the sound of her heartbeat - little did I know I would never feel it pound against me as I held her tight. I remember stopping on December 21st and knowing something was wrong. I tried to convince myself I was just paranoid. After all I was nine months along. NOTHING should happen now! I had an appointment the next morning and knew I would tell the doctor that I felt different, that I hadn't felt her flipping around and reminding me that she too was anxious to meet me. I remember going to the internet and searching for answers about her not moving and it said STILLBORN. Again that can't happen to me. The pregnancy had been great, I had taken care of myself and followed the doctors orders. The next morning at 10am my life changed. I went in sat up on the table and pulled my shirt up so the nurse could check the heartbeat. She couldn't find it. She slowly walked out of the room and returned with not one but TWO doctors. They took me into ultrasound - assuring me along the way they just wanted to make sure it was alright. It wasn't. Within seconds of rolling the wand across my stomach the doctors both looked at each other. The look on their faces made the room close in on me.....I couldn't breath, I couldn't smell, I couldn't see anything. I could only hear them say "her heart has stopped". I must have sat there for for what seemed hours but only minutes in denial. I didn't move until my doctor picked me up and carried me to his office. He said "Kim, you need to call your husband. We are taking you to the hospital immediately". I picked up the phone and as my husband answered knowing there was no way around what I needed to say, I simply said "Jason Ryleigh died". I don't remember a thing after that until I arrived through the staff doors at the hospital. They took me through every back door there was and onto the birthing unit to the last room at the end of the hall. On the door an 8 x 11 piece of paper. On it a teddy bear with a broken heart. I remember seeing the paper but not realizing the symbol would not only mean something remarkable in my life but also allow me to survive this awful moment. Jason arrived within the hour. I didn't move from the chair that they sat me on when I arrived. I didn't say anything to him. I just cried. How could I let him down like this? What about her beautiful nursery how could I go home to it? How could I call my parents and tell them their only grandchild has left this life for the next? How could I go back to work and confront everyone? How could I live past this moment?
The doctors soon arrived and discussed the next steps with us. For my safety they suggested they induce and I deliver her naturally. I thought to myself HELLO are you CRAZY. She isn't alive. Looking back now I wouldn't change it for the world. I got to make peace with her, my body, have her baptisted while in the womb and spend the next 48 hours coming to terms that my daughter was going home in a casket not a carseat. Had I elected to have a C section it would have been over so quickly that I don't know how I would have coped with the anger, fear, pain and hatred I was experiencing.
Ryleigh Jordan came into this world Christmas Eve 2004. It was the most beautiful winter day. After hours of labor I had still hoped that they were wrong. That she would take this big breath and cry - she didn't. She was a beautiful healthy baby girl. I am blessed to have held her in my arms and only miss that she could never look up at me and show me what color of eyes she would have had. She was buried at the foot of my Grandfather's grave on my 36th Birthday. I know my Grandfather has now witnessed her beautiful eyes and smile. I know he was told her what a wonderful Mom I would have been. I know she is somewhere unseen hand in hand with him knowing that her Mommy misses her every day and loves her very much. I have to believe this to go on. And now I have to face the world without her.